I wish I were a real…

 Me: i wish i were a real-for-sure survivalist. Got them cool gunz and stuff. Got them cool bug-out 4x4s and, presumably, a groovy fortified compound to bug out to.

Other folks: you just happen to have tie downs to rig our blown-apart rooftop cargo box 50 miles out of Bunghole, Utah?

You just happen to have goretex socks for a friend getting soaked in the rain? You can light these candles even though you don't smoke? You have pliers? You were carrying a saw? You got ibuprofen AND claritin? You can put out this fire with your thermos of tea? Now, let go of the bleeding bicyclist's underarm, paramedics are here.

Me: I wish I were a real-for-sure artist. I'm ok with "not being able to draw well", but artists just have this amazing will to create. Dang.

Also me: i gotta finally get the collar attached to this workshirt so i can get started on these waxed cotton jeans. Is that even allowed? Dang, and i gotta spray my fruitpicker brown 'cause I'm not really supposed to be on that land where the pomegranates hang over the fence. And i gotta press em to add to cider I'm brewing. And set some aside to make cocktails. Good thing i had that mt. bike built up from a thrift store find to recon the pomegranates. Am i ever gonna get that jelly made from the pressings of the cider? And the wine? Anyway, what kind of 70s font do i put on the label for the champagne I'm capping with plain old bottlecaps? And why wont the rosé i got for free stop fermenting? Still, I wish i was a real-for-sure artist.

Me: I wish I were a real-for-sure anarchist. Got them cool black outfits w/ matching baklavas. Do them cool chants at demos. Punchin’ nazzies an’ stuff. Got all their affinity groups an’ such. 

Also me: nobody told me to have my students recite the flag oath. “Did you ask another student before you asked me?” Rip all the drapes off, open it up to the sky!  Set up your meeting w a few central chairs up front and theater seating for the audience? No worries, I’ll just tear into that and eff up your arrangement. Never will i sit enthroned on one side of the teacher desk while supplicants sit on the other. As a matter of fact, let’s just lay that desk against the wall, hence making it unusable as a fortress of authority. 

Sorry, I already don’t patronize Brand X: cain’t really boycott what you never buy anyway. Yes, i always carry my knife since age 10, except on airplanes, in nightclubs, and in the courthouse. No church. Bonus points: Buddhism is a-theist, if not atheist. No, i ain’ goin’ anywhere near _their_ temple either. Communism is good! Tankies suck. No, i ain’t goin’ to a stadium anytime soon. ‘Specially not for a concert. Music is better in a warehouse. Yes, i’ve read that fascist tract. No, i didn’t get any on me. No, i’m not a capital D Democrat, i just vote no on the GOP. Yes— I’m a conservative. Same relationship for 40 years. Same car for 30. Compost, recycle, reuse, scavenge. 

Rant

 There is an all-seeing overlord in the sky.

People don't die, they go to a better place.

Tooth fairy. Santa Claus. 'Nuff said.

The government will protect you. That's its job. After all, governments don't, say, incinerate 10s of thousands of people in their homes. 

Unless they're Bad people.

English folks came to North America to spread happiness just like the happiness they had in Britain.

They came to spread their religion because it helps people to be their best selves, and happier.

There weren't any people in North America, really.

Good thing the English could have Africans work for them.

You can be English, too! Even if your name is McCarty. Or Cerini. Or Wellendorf. That's practically the whole world!

Sorry. Slavery was bad. Now Black people are free!

WWI was necessary because a submarine sank our arms shipment that had passengers on it. And because their enemies spoke English.

WWII was necessary. It has nothing at all to do with how amazingly profitable it was. Anyway, the Japanese bombed Hawai'i, a country that just decided to give itself to us. 

Of course, Japanese people had to go to camps. The fact that we did not gas  them shows how charitable we are. Obviously they were spies. Just look at them!

Oswald was just one of those things. Oh, well.

Vietnam. Where shall I even begin?

Good thing English is such a logical language. No wonder everybody speaks it. Mexicans must have some kind of hangup, speaking Spanish.

Sadaam Hussein bombed the World Trade Center. After all, he's Muslim and the hijackers were, too. Just like the people who held our CIA agents hostage for almost a year in Tehran, so it's no surprise. They're probably just really easy to anger. Maybe it's the oil. Whatever.

Police officers are paid to protect us.

Good thing we have so many guns. They are really useful. Imagine if we didn't have any guns. We would be as messed up as Japan!

We live in a democracy. We can vote for any party we want.

We vote for the president!

I feel safer just thinking of nuclear deterrence.

Homeless people want to live like that.

We are free.