Marriage

 

You must marry ___ so your father can become more powerful.

You are not allowed to marry ___ because your parents say no.

You made the mistake of marrying ___ without permission, so the king shall punish you.

You made the mistake of marrying someone not for rational motivations, but for the absurdity of love, so we shall think ill of you.

You must marry ___ so they can acquire half your lands.

You married someone with a different imaginary friend, so your imaginary friend shall no longer allow you to imagine that you are playing with them.

You married someone who talks to their imaginary friend differently than you, so same consequence.

You married someone whose imaginary friend we take exception to, so we shall not allow your corpse to be buried over here, but only over there.

You married someone who looks funny, so we shall hang you, or them, from a nearby tree.

You married someone who used to be married to someone else, so kitty bar the fuckin' door!

You didn't travel to this place here just to marry someone did you? No, of course not. That would be naughty. 

You don't want to get married to someone just so we will let you stay over here rather than over there, would you? That would be the height of cynicism!

You're getting married? Well, of course, their mother gets to choose the silverware and the menu. I thought you knew that!!

You got married? Good. We shall now title you so that everyone else immediately knows your status. Unless you're a man.

You got married? Good. We shall now call you Missus John Smith.

You got married? Simply everybody wears a silly little ring, so we expect you shall as well. Weren't you told that?

How lovely that you got married? Now, dutifully go 'round to every bureaucratic office you can and deface your surname.

Thank you for getting married. You shall now peep out from every genealogical survey 2 centuries now as merely "Peggy", with no other data assigned to you except who you gave birth to.

You got married? Lovely! We would like to know all about it. Here, pee in this cup. Give us some blood. Let us swab your cheek.

You will, naturally, need to be licensed to get married, just as you would to drive a car. Yes, of course, there is a fee! Congratulations!

No, you can't possibly have got married. You have an innie/outie, and they've got an innie/outie, too!

You're getting married? That's disgusting! To hell with your cake!