On Treatment

 

It was good to be overweight beforehand. I lost 50#. That's 25% of my previous weight.

I practiced breathing exclusively through the nose, like by biking uphill, both inhaling and exhaling since about 8 years previously. The mask worn for radiation treatment is bad. Your mouth is totally blocked. You use whatever tools you can to remain calm: count your breaths (about 55), retreat into your mind, practice meditation/mindfulness.

Contact with friends is crucial.

Taking long walks is part of it.

It is a long process, and there are loads of details in the depths of that time. It’s been a year since my treatment started. I still have tiny little symptoms. I kind of forget how it was in the darker days.

Constipation because of anti nausea meds is awful. I had a fecal blockage 3 times and used home enemas. Next stop would’ve been ER where “they will dig it outa you”, as my friend Josh says.

I was at ER twice. Once to get IV nausea meds because Ii couldn’ keep the pills down and once because I passed out after a bath and cut my forehead open.

The kind of Zofran anti-nausea pill that dissolves under your tongue is amaaaazing! It takes immediate effect and can stop a nausea incident.

“Nausea” is a Greek term meaning “repaint  the walls with vomit”.

Relinquish any thoughts of drinking. I am thankful to have been able to get stoned. (I recommend small amounts of THC in gummis for exact dosing.)

The battle against depression is important. Stay stoked as much as possible. Avoid speaking to folx who need “stoked” explained to them.

You will take damage— teeth, salivary glands, hearing.

Main thing is change: this will change you.

And don’ sweat the whole death thing. It’s pretty much outa your hands. You know how to die just as well as you know how to grow your hair. It’s perfectly safe. Just focus on doing your job— getting to appointments on time, complying with medical advice, doing your swallowing exercises, eating and/or using the (fucking) gastrotube to get food in you. 

Put “death” in a different box.